I have had my Xanga account for 6 years.

I have used it to “virtually” record my life because I learned from my childhood keeping a tangible handwritten diary or journal was a BIG no-no. Why? Because my sister, Jackie, who I love with the bottom of my heart and more, who I bitch about, who I argue with…who I have grown to admire and respect thoroughly for the person she’s developed into during the short span of her life, kept a diary. I read said diary, as the annoying nosy little sister, disrespectful of the sacredness of privacy. But more importantly, my mother read my sister’s diary. I kept what I learned from reading this about my sister (mostly her believing me to be a spoiled bitch, which she had every right to think) to myself. My mother, on the other hand, took her nosiness a little too far. My mom scanned the pages of my sister’s diary of her confessions of losing her virginity. From there, she emailed the pages to everyone on her email account. Everyone. All our family, friends, affiliates. Just think about it, this historically most prized and monumentally PRIVATE AND PERSONAL moment in a person life—just blasted and displayed to the world. Mocked, exploited, and degraded in such a malicious fashion. This is a side of my Mom most people never have had the chance to meet. The one that is utterly cold and heartless. And guess what, I’m her prodigy. This side of her has been transposed into me somehow. And I am ashamed of it.

That anecdote is solely is the reason I never kept a handwritten diary. This is why I use my xanga to the extent as which I do…. It has been my confidante, and been my outlet to share my life with my friends, grow closer to a select few, even a couple I have yet to meet face-to-face. I owe Xanga a lot for serving a building block of me. Despite my strong writing abilities and communication flaws, I have shared my sadness, happiness…even blandness, of my daily life… Whether is was impulsive, venting, or reflecting .Plus photos, songs, and connected with others to grow closer to them and have a sneak peak into their inter thoughts and workings. But, I have abused this supposed “private blogging” and peer-to-peer form of interaction… in a way that is demeaning, disrespectful, reckless….and down right cruel.

I did. I know it. I take full responsibility for what I have done. And not just to one person… I’m sure others would be hurt if they were to know certain things. And just knowing that I am capable of this, and I have allowed myself to fall to this level just eats me away inside. It is so wrong. And needs to stop. I need to change. Only I can take the necessary steps in changing. Only I can change myself.

It’s like I have been land blasted with signs lately…Like in Econ 3, my professor said the Real GDP is affect by the exogenous input factor (i.e. new technological advances) which leads to a flow chart of endogenous factors (i.e. more aggregate hours)… which results in higher Real GDP and more leisure, creativity, and innovation…hence the more technological advances. Aka, our decisions form a continuous cycle which decides our own future. Or the pillow on our blue couch at home that reads:

"God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.” Which is the only thing my friend Ryan Lee has in his “about me” on his facebook.

It’s pretty ironic cuz over this past weekend, I received 3 more emails from Iggy… all saying the phrase “You changed me”-- I always smirk at this. I do not care about him or what he says or anything. He is a finished chapter of my life that I know not regret, but rather to learn and grow as a person because of him. I do not mean to reference him in any way. He is who he is, and that’s fine. Good for him. But the boy may be 22 years old but this “changing” concept is something I understand which I feel he does not (and I know I’m only19, I’m not claiming to know JACK SHIT about life or the world around me)—No one else can “change” you—you have to change yourself by your own actions. Can’t just SAY you’ve “changed”. I have to take the appropriate actions to do so. And I have. I expect nothing gargantuan. No major changes or quick changes, but baby steps. Slowly but surely…... I just know when I look into the mirror, I want to be content with the person I see reflected from the inside…. I do not want to cry or have my eyes fall to the floor in dismay. Just because I do condemnable things in the eyes of society…i.e. commit crimes, cheat in school, cheating on significant others, smoke, drink, etc etc etc does not make me a good person. Just because I care about my close friends, am a half way decent student, stay home rather than “party”, do what I am told, live within the lines and boundaries set by society.. This still does not make me a good person. It does not make me a happy person. It does not make me happy with myself.

 There are lots of things I want to change about myself, and now's better than never. It has already been in the works, many have noticed I have pretty much not been using AIM for three weeks, and before that I would always be set to “invisible”. ..I have gotten phone calls from my sister asking why I don’t leave her myspace comments…and had other friends assume I'm mad at them since I have not been using it much. This has been a long long time coming. Kirk always told me “Myspace creates drama.” (..This holds true for any site too. He’d never say more, never ridicule me for keeping mine, just his own advice for how he lives his life…) but I always agreed with him but not taken action like I should. I do not feel I should be as extreme as Mario and delete my sites and completely. I just want, for myself, to discontinue allowing it to consume massive amounts of my spare time. I feel I have lost part of my life sitting at my computer… yes, keeping up with people online is convenient, but after a while spending such extended periods of time in the same fashion gets olds, makes me feel obligated to sit at my computer.

I want to get out and live. I want to spend more time with face-to-face, see people smile, hear the joy or pain in their voice. Feel that personal connection. Get to know the true them, and vise versa, allow them to get to know the true me. Mmmm =) I used to think I wanted to find a career in some place where I would not have to deal w/ the public in any way, but after working with my Dad and at Kohl’s and being at college, I absolutely thrive off of dealing with people. I like the not-knowing, new experiences, quick on my feet interactions. I love it. I have been texting more, which leads to calling more, which leads to hanging in person more. Enjoy the sweet pure joy of candid moments. I want to get out and do new things, try to places. I have started this in small steps. For instance, by making my Tuesday Night ritual with Rex and Jason of going to a new restaurant on Convoy each time, and ordering something a dish I have never tried before. I want to be more adventurous. It’s small, but its something. The Great Wall of China and the Pyramids in Egypt weren’t built over night, ya know. I want to look back and tell my grandkids I don’t regret my time here on earth. I want to get cultured. I experience life... I want to feel it rushing through me. I can’t ever learn how to scuba dive or fly a plane by sitting my lazy ass behind a computer. I'm proud of myself for finally learning to dance, jazz last quarter, hiphop this quarter, and more to come..... So, in baby steps, I wanna actually do more. Create memories. More. More more more more. I want to make small changes in my life that leaves me more satisfied with myself at the end of the day. For instance, getting out and exercising more, running, playing games, swimming, any physicalness. This has been a long work in process. Being more active and eating healthier leaves me happier at the end of the day. And as a result of these lil steps, today I weighed 118 Lbs.—at least 77 pounds lighter than I used to be. Small changes can lead to big results. Anyways, Minh is probably giggling at me, “pants girl”, for my notorious speeches where I always go off on tangents but always make a full circle of getting back to my point. Lol mmm <3

Again, this has been a long time coming as I said, but this past weekend my Xanga deeply hurt someone I have truly “caught feelings for.” ( thanks for having that phrase grow on me, Mario. haha) I’m falling for this boy and I can’t get it out of my mind that I did this. I can’t describe it…Such a horrible feeling, he cares about me, he trusted me, and I felt like I committed the worst type of betrayal. My head literally falls back in disbelief of myself and I just say “FUCK...” What did I do?.......How could I…?

But, it was the final nudge I needed to push me over the edge. A wake up sign for me to take action. Make this small change. I promised him I would not “delete” my Xanga, but it’s a “diary” in a sense, and is a personal record of my life. So it should be personal. And as my mom always points out with all her genealogy nonsense, she stresses making our mark in this world. Leaving behind something to remember our generation by, we have technology now and so we don’t leave behind much of a paper trail. I contemplate this… it would be stupid of me to erase it, which is so easy to do. “Deactivate account” and that would be like just, avoiding my problem, taking the easy way out in a way, instead of challenging it headon.

So here’s my proposal for myself: make it a personal goal of setting my posts private. It will be a work in progress since this has gone on for so many years, so many individual posts. But it’s a promise I want to keep. For me.

But yes, AH-HA!! Why would I not make this one post not private?? Because I need to do this for me, but if there’s anything I can offer to you, it is to think before you act. Seriously think, make wise choices and take others feelings into consideration. Think of the other side of the story; remember “Santa clauses is always watching. He knows if you’ve been naughty of nice” loll. Thanksgiving should not be the only day that we reflect on what we have be thankful for it. Don’t realize what you lost after you lost it.

I want to work on me, being proud of myself. Stand tall, look myself in the mirror, and be semi-pleased with myself. And love me for me.  It reminds me of the photo quotes I have on myspace:

It makes me think of the phrase “money doesn’t buy happiness.” It does not. Being satisfied with decisions and actions I’ve made in my life make me happy. Creating memories, touching someone’s life, having connections with others make me truly happy.

He makes me happy. When I look into his eyes, there is something there. He gives me butterflies. I want to hold on to him, literally, and figuratively. I made too many assumptions before knowing the whole truth and was very mistaken. (I’ve always been honest with the fact I feel I’m too judgmental, it’s a major flaw.) I will have to work to regain trust. But all I could ask for is to have the opportunity to grow as a personal and share my world with him. We tell each other we’re lucky to have each other in our life, and I only hope he realizes how special he is as a person.. and to me.

As I have openingly discussed before, you never know what the future brings, but I can see him being in my life for a long time to come. I hope so. Ya never know what curve ball life will throw at you. But embrace life. It’s the most precious gift of all.

Every Monday people ask you, “how was your weekend?” I am an open book, I tell it how it is. It was very rattling and stressful, yet so much good came from it. Katie Orr and I had deep philosophical conversations, I felt closer to her than I ever have before in my life. She said she wants to work on her strengthening her friendships, and that is definitely a goal I admire and would like to replicate too. I cried on Jackie’s shoulder, literally, and lots of laughs and touching heart to heart talks. I explained to my parents I try to hard to be independent, yet not let them go. Include them in my life, but make decisions on my own. All I could ever ask for is for their love, support, and to be proud of the daughter and women I’ve grown to be.

So, back to my point (cough, minh, cough). This will be a work-in-progress to privatize my xanga..for many reason. I myself am a constant work-in-progress....But yaaaaa! ever more the reason more for YOU to come visit me, to text me, to call me, to come play with me! :D fun times, ya?? Be like Jake Alexander, a guy in my apartment building who does not know me at all, but always always stops whatever he is doing to say hi, ask how I am doing.. he takes five seconds of his life. And its weird, cuz I know he sincerely cares. I respect that. I aspire to be more like that.

This is not necessarily a good bye as much as it could be a hello, so, Mahola! :]

Live. Love. Laugh. Learn.

If you need me, you know how to get in contact with me. <333

..........Hey, I nevvvver said I was gifted with words, sooooooo 

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